The hubby

There were nights in the beginning, trying to stay awake so that I could check Jasmine's sugars, that I would look over at my husband sleeping and snoring peacefully. He sleeps, I check Jasmine's BG levels. He sleeps, I worry. He sleeps, I drive myself nuts. Most (99.9%) of Jasmine's diabetes care has fallen upon me. Even when I ask him to get her a simple snack, I have to tell him what and how much. I just think how nice it would be to have a break. To be able to sleep in, sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night, to just sleep and snore peacefully like he does. Sometimes I get back in bed and purposely make enough noise or movements to wake him up. Half awake he would look up at me and ask "What was her sugar?". So I tell him whatever her numbers are and then he would turn over and fall back to sleep. So I would sit there annoyed and think a few not so nice things about him........

Then reality hits. Within a very short time we have lost 2 wonderful men from the DOC. They were husbands and fathers, the light in their family's world. In a blink of an eye, these men were gone. Nothing will ever be the same for their families. I can feel the heartache in these ladies, I can see the pain they are experiencing. They have to go on because they have family that need them, they have children with diabetes, they can't just "run away" because the grief is too much. Life continues and so do they. They don't grumble, they are such amazing inspirations to all of us.

So while I am grumbling about my hubby and his "sleeping while I worry" routine, I step back and look at this man of mine. He is a good man, a kind man, a gentle man. He has provided well for his family so that I could stay home and take care of our daughter. He has made sure that if anything should happen to him, I won't have to worry about having enough money for insulin, food, clothing or shelter. He was worked hard to prepare a future for our daughter when we are no longer here to help.

When Jasmine was in the hospital upon being first diagnosed, he was at her bedside, making her laugh, learning what would keep his daughter alive. He didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours the entire week we were there. He would try to stop his tears while learning how to give injections to his beautiful daughter in order to keep her alive. He goes to every Endo appointment with us. He is here for us.

But somedays I would get frustrated at him because I seemed to be doing everything, having to think about everything so I snapped at him, "Why do you always ask me what to give Jasmine when she needs a snack or her sugar is low? Don't you know by now??!!". (Ok, using lack of sleep as a reason to be snippy here). He looks at me and says, "But you always know what to do, you have it under control. I don't want to mess anything up. You know what's best for her".

Time to look in the mirror!! I had to realize that it is ME causing myself to grumble, causing him to question himself about what  food to give her, how much insulin to give her, how to take care of her. I was the one who had to be in control. I was the one who had to double check the needle every single time he put the insulin in. I was the one who informed him that 17 carbs were not ok when she is ONLY supposed to get 15. I didn't like the way he gave her shots, I didn't like the way he rolled the insulin, I didn't like the way he averaged the carb count in something, I didn't like anything he did in the beginning!! I was uptight and anal, barking like a Drill Sargent at Boot Camp! So he stepped back, letting me take over, take control. Harsh reality check, I created the situation I was grumbling about.

When a child has a serious illness, the divorce rate goes up. Dealing with the stress of any disease can pull a family apart. I have seen several moms in the DOC get divorced, their husbands couldn't deal with the 24/7 life of diabetes and the toll it takes on their lives. It's an ugly situation. But then I think that some of us "wives" have forgotten how to be "wives". Being a pancreas is a full time job when our kids are little. When our children experience a "low" , everything stops until our child is ok. We have a tight schedule for when we eat, when we take shots, when we check her BG levels, when we do much of anything. A lot of the time, my hubby ends up eating long after the rest of us has finished. Even if we have something planned, a diabetes emergency always comes first. Parties, weddings, even funerals, if something goes wrong, it must be fixed immediately. But when diabetes is behaving, we need to remember that we have other children and a hubby that needs us too. We have to find a balance, to make sure everyone feels loved, wanted and needed.

When my hubby would take Jasmine to the store, I was always on his case about her meter. "Did you remember to get her meter?""Do you have a snack that has quick sugar in case her sugar drops?", "Do you have the Glucagon Pen, do you remember how to use it??!!". Nag, nag, nag. Why he didn't yell at me and remind me that he is a grown man, quite capable of taking care of his daughter because he was there and received the SAME training from the Endo Team that I did??!! I would of probably told myself to shut the heck up (and probably not as nicely as that!)!! But being the man that he is, who understands my craziness and stress, he assures me that he has all that is needed.

There were days I would think that he doesn't care as much as I do about Jasmine and her diabetes. Then I remind myself that I have seen this strong man only cry a few times in this lifetime. He cried when his son and daughter was born (happy tears), when Jasmine was diagnosed with diabetes and when he read my blog about "Vampires at Night (DIB Syndrome)". He may not cry as often as I do, but he does care. He hurts for his daughter and would do anything in this world to help find a cure for her. Last but not least, he loves me. He lets me take control of our daughter's disease, not because he can't or he won't, or that he is weak, but because he believes in me. He trusts me with one of his most precious and beloved treasures. He lets me cry when I need, he firmly tells me that everything is going to be just fine when I also need to hear that. When I need him, he is there. Whatever I ask of him, he provides. He is my rock, the light in my darkness. He prays for his daughter and family constantly. So many moms out there dealing with this disease all alone. So many moms out there dealing with life without a partner to help them through it. So many dads (and moms) that ran away when life got tough. But here he still is, loving us and doing his best to keep us together, healthy, happy and having fun along the way. So I have tried to step a little back, not question his decisions while taking care of our daughter and her diabetes, asking for a little more help which he is always happy to give. I will always want control but I know how lucky and blessed I am to have him here for me, for our daughter, our family.

On occasion I may still jump up and down on the bed and wake him up after Jasmine's midnight or 2 AM sugar check but now not because I am mad at him for sleeping... but because I just want to see him open his eyes and ask "What was Jasmine's sugar?". I want to snuggle in his arms and feel the love, the hope, the life this man gives to us. I will always worry about diabetes and my daughter. I will always be a mom first but I am so thankful that I have a man who accepts this and understands this. A husband that loves his daughter and cares as much as I do. A man that loves me, all my crazy insanity and whose arms are always open for me no matter what time of day or night it is.

To all the "hubbys" out there, you are more valuable that you will ever know. We may forget to tell you but just know that you are very much loved and appreciated! And to all us "wives", may we never forget to tell our wonderful men how amazing they are and show them that love and appreciation. This journey is not always an easy one, be thankful that you have someone by your side.  Our husbands, like our children are blessings from God. Cherish them while we can.  I love you Mr. Singh.

Adult T1s, who cares?

I have an 8 year daughter that has Type 1 diabetes. She is cute and adorable, giggly and wiggly like most 8 year olds. She holds my heart and hearts of those that know her. We will be in a restaurant or at the mall, checking her sugar or giving her shots and strangers always seem to come up to us and say "What a brave little girl!" "Don't worry, a cure will be here soon!"  People see her story, her picture and have been most generous in donating to our Walk to Cure Diabetes through JDRF.  If I say those magic words, "Jasmine is low". The world stops revolving while I make everything right for her (this includes school, church, sporting events, restaurants, etc.) She is a little girl, she is loved, people care. But what happens when Jasmine is no longer that cute little girl with Type 1 diabetes? When Jasmine has become an adult T1? Will you still love her? Will you still care?

I have met this group of amazing adult T1s. They have welcomed me into their lives, their group. They share their stories, their situations and they all give me such hope and inspiration for my own daughter. At the same time though, I see their daily struggles and the lost hopes and dreams of  finding a cure in their lifetime. They are proud, never expecting "favors" or entitlements because of their diabetes. They were around when needles were thick, test strips required peeing on them and an accurate blood glucose reading was like finding a needle in a haystack! Their moms (God bless these wonderful and tireless moms back before all these modern advancements and the internet!) were told the same story that I have heard, "In ten years there will be a cure", "The cure is just around the corner", "We have made amazing advancements, a cure is so close!". Some of these people have had T1 diabetes for 20, 30 and even 50 years plus. I have only had to deal with this for 2 1/2 years with my daughter and I think how I am going to get through another day! They are awesome and courageous and have my utmost respect. While they are beautiful people, they aren't the cute little kids that receive the positive attention like my daughter does. They are adults, responsible for themselves, so who cares?

When strangers find out that these adults are diabetics, people will say to them, "But you don't look fat!". If their blood sugars start to drop and they start to shake or slur their words, people assume they are high on drugs or have been drinking. If an adult T1 says "I feel low", the world doesn't stop revolving while they take care it.  These adult T1s have jobs and families, they are active, productive people in our world. They don't get a break from T1 diabetes and they don't get a break from being an adult. Most of us might say, "Well, we don't get a break either", but until you have to deal with the every day battle with Type 1 diabetes then you have no idea what a break you were already given. 

I only know this life as the mom of a child with T1 diabetes, the one who spends every waking moment seeing that my child is ok, that damage isn't being done to her eyes, her kidneys, her heart, her brain! The sleepless night worrying if I have done all that I could to make sure my baby girl awakes in the morning. This is the easy side of  T1 diabetes. I am not the T1, I am the temporary pancreas who one day will not be needed because my daughter will have to do all of this on her own, just like these other adult T1s. None of them whine and complain about every little thing, they handle their lives better than most of us because they can't ever give up or give in. I am sure that some days they make mistakes, they don't always do everything right, but then neither do we, the ones with a working pancreas. All of them are heroes in my book and through all their struggles, they have helped make this world a better place for my T1 daughter. 

People say to the adult T1s, "You are so lucky that you got diabetes as a kid. You have never known anything else. It's all normal to you".  Normal = 4 plus shots a day or a mechanical device attached to your body, finger pokes 5 plus times a day, every carb counted for every morsel of food you put into your mouth, trips to the Endo or hospital for check ups and lab work every 3 months, endless diabetic supplies that cost a fortune and must be carried with you for just a quick trip to the store, feeling wonderful and then the next minute wondering why you are laying on the floor, explaining to your employer that you will just be a few minutes because your sugar levels have dropped dangerously low and you have to take care of it immediately or else you could die! This is "normal"??? If everyone in this world could fly and your wing was broken, wouldn't you still miss being able to fly like all your friends. To soar without hesitation, to feel the wind beneath your wings? I am not saying that T1s can't fly like the eagles, but it does take a lot of preparation, perseverance and dedication to take flight. Funny thing is, most of them never share with you these facts, how difficult some days are. They are inspiring, they have learned to appreciate life, they don't seem to dwell on the negative but focus on the positive. They celebrate their lives and as a wonderful man said, "Why don't we have a party for diabetes? Let's focus on the good not only the bad!"

I know my thoughts this morning are ramblings from a mom that didn't sleep too well last night but I am just asking you to ponder this......The next time you meet an adult that has Type 1 diabetes, please remember Jasmine, her little face, that little girl who struggles with dealing with this life long disease. The adult T1 face may have some lines and wrinkles now but inside is still that same child dealing with life and diabetes. Children or adults, we never loose our need for compassion and understanding, love and concern (T1s or not!). Go hug an adult T1 today, tell them that Jasmine's mom sends her love and that you care.  <3 To all of the wonderful adults T1s that I have met, I hope I have not offended any of you with my writing. I just want the world to know how totally amazing all of you are. <3