Would my T1 child survive a lock down?

After the horrific tragedy in Connecticut I can't help but think about my own children. As I watched the faces of the terrified parents running to find out about their babies, all I could do was cry and pray.  I just wanted to run to Jasmine's school and hug her close and keep her safe. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and horror this community was feeling but as a mom, my heart was breaking. A rational mind will never comprehend how these sweet children and teachers could be taken away from us in a flash. A rational mind will never be able to comprehend this, ever. My heart goes out to all the parents and people affected by this tragedy.  May we continue to lift these families and the entire community in prayers and show our support for them by helping out in any way we can. <3

Now on a selfish note. I am thinking about Jasmine, my 3rd grader, my 8 year old, my T1 diabetic. I am thinking that God forbid if anything happened at her school, would she survive a lock down?  Sandy Hook Elementary School has over 600 students. During the tragedy, the school was on lock down. Lock down......no one going in, no one going out. Students locked in their classrooms, hiding under their desks. I don't want to sound heartless or cruel here but I can't help to stop and wonder, what about the children with T1 diabetes? While all the children are on lock down, huddled in their classrooms, what if our Type 1 child started experiencing hypoglycemic reactions to a low blood sugar? You may think to yourself, OMG! How could she even think that with this horrific event happening?! But you have to understand that if my child's blood glucose levels start to drop, she could go into a dangerous low that could result in coma and death if left unchecked. So not only does this tragedy scare me from the evil and madness that entered the school that day, but also from  the standpoint of, "would my child survive a lock down"?

All parents that have children with special needs, need to know what would happen to our children in case of a lock down. We take for granted that it's a slight possibility of anything ever happening, so we just think, it will be ok. Then something happens, no matter how big or small, and it's too late to be prepared. Before anything occurs, we must make certain that our children's teachers are prepared. It is of vital importance that you as the parent, talk to your school's principal and staff about these things. Together, you can make sure that your child will be as safe as possible during a lock down.

Be it diabetes, asthma, or some other condition that requires special attention, please don't wait until it's too late. Even though the office may be stocked up on supplies for your child, what if going to the office is not an option? A lot of us may have to have another meeting with our school nurse and staff in the lieu of this latest tragedy. The norm may have to be changed to accomodate the health and well being of our T1s and other special needs children. Maybe we have to think out of the box, in case the unthinkable happens at our school.  The bottom line is this, we must keep our children safe at school, no matter what the conditions, even if that condition is Type 1 diabetes.  May God keep His arms wrapped tightly around all our children.

The hubby

There were nights in the beginning, trying to stay awake so that I could check Jasmine's sugars, that I would look over at my husband sleeping and snoring peacefully. He sleeps, I check Jasmine's BG levels. He sleeps, I worry. He sleeps, I drive myself nuts. Most (99.9%) of Jasmine's diabetes care has fallen upon me. Even when I ask him to get her a simple snack, I have to tell him what and how much. I just think how nice it would be to have a break. To be able to sleep in, sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night, to just sleep and snore peacefully like he does. Sometimes I get back in bed and purposely make enough noise or movements to wake him up. Half awake he would look up at me and ask "What was her sugar?". So I tell him whatever her numbers are and then he would turn over and fall back to sleep. So I would sit there annoyed and think a few not so nice things about him........

Then reality hits. Within a very short time we have lost 2 wonderful men from the DOC. They were husbands and fathers, the light in their family's world. In a blink of an eye, these men were gone. Nothing will ever be the same for their families. I can feel the heartache in these ladies, I can see the pain they are experiencing. They have to go on because they have family that need them, they have children with diabetes, they can't just "run away" because the grief is too much. Life continues and so do they. They don't grumble, they are such amazing inspirations to all of us.

So while I am grumbling about my hubby and his "sleeping while I worry" routine, I step back and look at this man of mine. He is a good man, a kind man, a gentle man. He has provided well for his family so that I could stay home and take care of our daughter. He has made sure that if anything should happen to him, I won't have to worry about having enough money for insulin, food, clothing or shelter. He was worked hard to prepare a future for our daughter when we are no longer here to help.

When Jasmine was in the hospital upon being first diagnosed, he was at her bedside, making her laugh, learning what would keep his daughter alive. He didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours the entire week we were there. He would try to stop his tears while learning how to give injections to his beautiful daughter in order to keep her alive. He goes to every Endo appointment with us. He is here for us.

But somedays I would get frustrated at him because I seemed to be doing everything, having to think about everything so I snapped at him, "Why do you always ask me what to give Jasmine when she needs a snack or her sugar is low? Don't you know by now??!!". (Ok, using lack of sleep as a reason to be snippy here). He looks at me and says, "But you always know what to do, you have it under control. I don't want to mess anything up. You know what's best for her".

Time to look in the mirror!! I had to realize that it is ME causing myself to grumble, causing him to question himself about what  food to give her, how much insulin to give her, how to take care of her. I was the one who had to be in control. I was the one who had to double check the needle every single time he put the insulin in. I was the one who informed him that 17 carbs were not ok when she is ONLY supposed to get 15. I didn't like the way he gave her shots, I didn't like the way he rolled the insulin, I didn't like the way he averaged the carb count in something, I didn't like anything he did in the beginning!! I was uptight and anal, barking like a Drill Sargent at Boot Camp! So he stepped back, letting me take over, take control. Harsh reality check, I created the situation I was grumbling about.

When a child has a serious illness, the divorce rate goes up. Dealing with the stress of any disease can pull a family apart. I have seen several moms in the DOC get divorced, their husbands couldn't deal with the 24/7 life of diabetes and the toll it takes on their lives. It's an ugly situation. But then I think that some of us "wives" have forgotten how to be "wives". Being a pancreas is a full time job when our kids are little. When our children experience a "low" , everything stops until our child is ok. We have a tight schedule for when we eat, when we take shots, when we check her BG levels, when we do much of anything. A lot of the time, my hubby ends up eating long after the rest of us has finished. Even if we have something planned, a diabetes emergency always comes first. Parties, weddings, even funerals, if something goes wrong, it must be fixed immediately. But when diabetes is behaving, we need to remember that we have other children and a hubby that needs us too. We have to find a balance, to make sure everyone feels loved, wanted and needed.

When my hubby would take Jasmine to the store, I was always on his case about her meter. "Did you remember to get her meter?""Do you have a snack that has quick sugar in case her sugar drops?", "Do you have the Glucagon Pen, do you remember how to use it??!!". Nag, nag, nag. Why he didn't yell at me and remind me that he is a grown man, quite capable of taking care of his daughter because he was there and received the SAME training from the Endo Team that I did??!! I would of probably told myself to shut the heck up (and probably not as nicely as that!)!! But being the man that he is, who understands my craziness and stress, he assures me that he has all that is needed.

There were days I would think that he doesn't care as much as I do about Jasmine and her diabetes. Then I remind myself that I have seen this strong man only cry a few times in this lifetime. He cried when his son and daughter was born (happy tears), when Jasmine was diagnosed with diabetes and when he read my blog about "Vampires at Night (DIB Syndrome)". He may not cry as often as I do, but he does care. He hurts for his daughter and would do anything in this world to help find a cure for her. Last but not least, he loves me. He lets me take control of our daughter's disease, not because he can't or he won't, or that he is weak, but because he believes in me. He trusts me with one of his most precious and beloved treasures. He lets me cry when I need, he firmly tells me that everything is going to be just fine when I also need to hear that. When I need him, he is there. Whatever I ask of him, he provides. He is my rock, the light in my darkness. He prays for his daughter and family constantly. So many moms out there dealing with this disease all alone. So many moms out there dealing with life without a partner to help them through it. So many dads (and moms) that ran away when life got tough. But here he still is, loving us and doing his best to keep us together, healthy, happy and having fun along the way. So I have tried to step a little back, not question his decisions while taking care of our daughter and her diabetes, asking for a little more help which he is always happy to give. I will always want control but I know how lucky and blessed I am to have him here for me, for our daughter, our family.

On occasion I may still jump up and down on the bed and wake him up after Jasmine's midnight or 2 AM sugar check but now not because I am mad at him for sleeping... but because I just want to see him open his eyes and ask "What was Jasmine's sugar?". I want to snuggle in his arms and feel the love, the hope, the life this man gives to us. I will always worry about diabetes and my daughter. I will always be a mom first but I am so thankful that I have a man who accepts this and understands this. A husband that loves his daughter and cares as much as I do. A man that loves me, all my crazy insanity and whose arms are always open for me no matter what time of day or night it is.

To all the "hubbys" out there, you are more valuable that you will ever know. We may forget to tell you but just know that you are very much loved and appreciated! And to all us "wives", may we never forget to tell our wonderful men how amazing they are and show them that love and appreciation. This journey is not always an easy one, be thankful that you have someone by your side.  Our husbands, like our children are blessings from God. Cherish them while we can.  I love you Mr. Singh.

Adult T1s, who cares?

I have an 8 year daughter that has Type 1 diabetes. She is cute and adorable, giggly and wiggly like most 8 year olds. She holds my heart and hearts of those that know her. We will be in a restaurant or at the mall, checking her sugar or giving her shots and strangers always seem to come up to us and say "What a brave little girl!" "Don't worry, a cure will be here soon!"  People see her story, her picture and have been most generous in donating to our Walk to Cure Diabetes through JDRF.  If I say those magic words, "Jasmine is low". The world stops revolving while I make everything right for her (this includes school, church, sporting events, restaurants, etc.) She is a little girl, she is loved, people care. But what happens when Jasmine is no longer that cute little girl with Type 1 diabetes? When Jasmine has become an adult T1? Will you still love her? Will you still care?

I have met this group of amazing adult T1s. They have welcomed me into their lives, their group. They share their stories, their situations and they all give me such hope and inspiration for my own daughter. At the same time though, I see their daily struggles and the lost hopes and dreams of  finding a cure in their lifetime. They are proud, never expecting "favors" or entitlements because of their diabetes. They were around when needles were thick, test strips required peeing on them and an accurate blood glucose reading was like finding a needle in a haystack! Their moms (God bless these wonderful and tireless moms back before all these modern advancements and the internet!) were told the same story that I have heard, "In ten years there will be a cure", "The cure is just around the corner", "We have made amazing advancements, a cure is so close!". Some of these people have had T1 diabetes for 20, 30 and even 50 years plus. I have only had to deal with this for 2 1/2 years with my daughter and I think how I am going to get through another day! They are awesome and courageous and have my utmost respect. While they are beautiful people, they aren't the cute little kids that receive the positive attention like my daughter does. They are adults, responsible for themselves, so who cares?

When strangers find out that these adults are diabetics, people will say to them, "But you don't look fat!". If their blood sugars start to drop and they start to shake or slur their words, people assume they are high on drugs or have been drinking. If an adult T1 says "I feel low", the world doesn't stop revolving while they take care it.  These adult T1s have jobs and families, they are active, productive people in our world. They don't get a break from T1 diabetes and they don't get a break from being an adult. Most of us might say, "Well, we don't get a break either", but until you have to deal with the every day battle with Type 1 diabetes then you have no idea what a break you were already given. 

I only know this life as the mom of a child with T1 diabetes, the one who spends every waking moment seeing that my child is ok, that damage isn't being done to her eyes, her kidneys, her heart, her brain! The sleepless night worrying if I have done all that I could to make sure my baby girl awakes in the morning. This is the easy side of  T1 diabetes. I am not the T1, I am the temporary pancreas who one day will not be needed because my daughter will have to do all of this on her own, just like these other adult T1s. None of them whine and complain about every little thing, they handle their lives better than most of us because they can't ever give up or give in. I am sure that some days they make mistakes, they don't always do everything right, but then neither do we, the ones with a working pancreas. All of them are heroes in my book and through all their struggles, they have helped make this world a better place for my T1 daughter. 

People say to the adult T1s, "You are so lucky that you got diabetes as a kid. You have never known anything else. It's all normal to you".  Normal = 4 plus shots a day or a mechanical device attached to your body, finger pokes 5 plus times a day, every carb counted for every morsel of food you put into your mouth, trips to the Endo or hospital for check ups and lab work every 3 months, endless diabetic supplies that cost a fortune and must be carried with you for just a quick trip to the store, feeling wonderful and then the next minute wondering why you are laying on the floor, explaining to your employer that you will just be a few minutes because your sugar levels have dropped dangerously low and you have to take care of it immediately or else you could die! This is "normal"??? If everyone in this world could fly and your wing was broken, wouldn't you still miss being able to fly like all your friends. To soar without hesitation, to feel the wind beneath your wings? I am not saying that T1s can't fly like the eagles, but it does take a lot of preparation, perseverance and dedication to take flight. Funny thing is, most of them never share with you these facts, how difficult some days are. They are inspiring, they have learned to appreciate life, they don't seem to dwell on the negative but focus on the positive. They celebrate their lives and as a wonderful man said, "Why don't we have a party for diabetes? Let's focus on the good not only the bad!"

I know my thoughts this morning are ramblings from a mom that didn't sleep too well last night but I am just asking you to ponder this......The next time you meet an adult that has Type 1 diabetes, please remember Jasmine, her little face, that little girl who struggles with dealing with this life long disease. The adult T1 face may have some lines and wrinkles now but inside is still that same child dealing with life and diabetes. Children or adults, we never loose our need for compassion and understanding, love and concern (T1s or not!). Go hug an adult T1 today, tell them that Jasmine's mom sends her love and that you care.  <3 To all of the wonderful adults T1s that I have met, I hope I have not offended any of you with my writing. I just want the world to know how totally amazing all of you are. <3

What if?

     What if?                                                                                                                What if?

What if I could of done just one thing differently? What if there was something that I could of done as her mom, to stop her from getting Type 1 diabetes? I have pondered this question over and over in my head a million times. 

God knows I have heard a lot of different comments accusing me of causing this. "You must of fed her too much sugar as a baby!" "You had gestational diabetes so it had to come from you!" "Did you take her around anyone with Type1 diabetes??!!" "That's why different races shouldn't mix together, diseases are on the rise!" and the one I just really love.."Wow, you must of really made God angry"!

As the parent of any child, d or not, don't we feel guilty enough about everything that happens to our children? Even if my son forgets his homework paper or football helmet (he is a teenager), I chastise myself for not reminding him. If my daughter falls down and hurts herself while playing, I think, maybe I should not have let her do that. One year she was playing the piano for her older brother for his birthday. A crystal picture frame somehow fell and sliced her forearm wide open, resulting in an immediate trip to the emergency room followed by stitches. Why did I place that frame there??? Everything that goes wrong is my fault. Society always blames the parents and it seems to be no different when it comes to Type 1 diabetes.

Perhaps one day they will find a cure for Type1 diabetes. Perhaps one day they will find out that if I would of kept my daughter in a giant plastic bubble inside a sterilized room, eating only organically grown food, never feeling the rain on her face, letting her run and play with her friends, never feeling the sand between her toes, never letting her experience the pride she felt when she learned to ride a bike all by herself, never experiencing "life", then perhaps she would not have gotten Type 1 diabetes. 

You can read all the facts about Type 1 diabetes, NONE of the accusations I have heard from people hold any truths. "Fed her too much sugar", my daughter ate healthier that most kids I have ever known! Besides, newborns get Type 1 diabetes! "Gestational diabetes"...umm no, it was my pancreas not working properly! Once again, then why don't all children born to moms that have gestational diabetes get diabetes!  "Took her around another Type 1 person"......if Type 1 was contagious, wouldn't we have already been quarantined and wouldn't everyone around us be affected??! "Different races mixing together"....as far as I have seen, Type 1 diabetes does not discriminate. It doesn't care if you are "mixed", white, black, Hispanic, Asian, or probably from Mars. If you have a pancreas, then it is possible to get Type 1 diabetes. My favorite "God must of been really mad at you!". I am not saying that God doesn't have all rights to get mad at me, I am not perfect, I mess up. BUT once again, I think the children of everyone I have met (and have not met) would have Type 1 diabetes if this was the case. None of us are perfect, none of us. 

My daughter is a child with Type 1 diabetes. She is not a genetic T1. Her father and I don't have it, her grandparents don't have it, their parents didn't have it, and so on and so forth. Even our Endo believes that for whatever reason, it was a virus. Perhaps from the flu, a cold, an environmental situation. No one knows, perhaps no one will ever know for certain.

The one thing that I know for sure however, is that if I had to take my chances with Type 1 diabetes or keeping her in a plastic bubble, I would choose to take that chance and let her live. I would let her giggle and play, run and laugh, scrape her knees, fall off her bike, love her dog, her friends, feel the ocean breeze on her face, taste the saltiness in the air..... I would let her "live", I would let her be a happy little girl. That is one thing you can accuse me of, one thing that I am totally guilty of... and there are never any "what ifs" when it comes to that.

Vampires at night

So here I am looking at a clock that says 1:30AM because the midnight check of my daughter's blood glucose numbers didn't sit well with me. At 12:30pm, her number was 95. Well ok, 95 is a great number if it is before lunch, before dinner, when she awakes in the morning....but not at midnight. There is a fear that all of us have, that all of deal with when we have children with T1 diabetes. We don't like talking about it. Most of us probably didn't even know such a thing existed until we had a child of our own with this disease.

During the day we seem to be able to handle anything that concerns T1. I know that no one wants to talk about this but I know that this is a reality of all parents that have a child with T1. There are inspirational blogs which I love but I know that I am not the only parent that still cries after 2 1/2 years since her diagnosis and the only parent with nighttime fears. 

As nighttime approaches, as calm as we try to remain, inside our heads we are full of the "what ifs". When night comes and bedtime approaches, you would think that Vampires are stalking our child, waiting to take that fatal bite and take her away from us forever. It may not be a vampire (a little garlic would stop him!!) but instead it is what is known as DIB. DIB (Dead in Bed) is what can happen to a T1. For some unknown reason, during their sleep, their body can produce insulin. Producing insulin is a very good thing UNLESS you have already administered several units of insulin into their bodies. Excessive insulin can cause the T1 to go into hypoglycemia (an extremely low blood glucose reading). This is turn can cause the heart to go haywire, to not function properly and thus result in a child never waking up again (there are a lot of medical facts you can also look up about DIB but this is my short non medical knowledge). 

So being the stressed out, fearful mom that I am, I wait to recheck. Waiting to see if I have a number that will continue to drop or a number that will continue to rise. I know that I have been told that DIB occurs rapidly and more that likely, even with checking her numbers throughout the night, I could not prevent such a thing from happening. As a mom, I don't accept this information. I won't, I can't. Not to mention that I have checked and found many nights when Jasmine's numbers had dropped to dangerous lows, requiring me to wake her up and get some carbs into her little sleepy body. So like I said, I won't accept that I can not do anything to try and help keep my daughter as safe as I can while she sleeps.

An hour later, Jasmine's meter reads 123. Much better for her to get through the night. I calculate the hours and pray that this number holds and she is safe. At 5AM, I awake and rush in to check her again. Meter reads 134. I say a prayer of thanks, that once again we have made it through the night. 

To my daughter, I am a normal happy mom that handles her diabetes care like a champ. No sad faces, no stressed out mom, just her mom that loves her and is taking care of her. In return, I have a happy little 8 year old that bounces off to school with a smile on her face and a song in her heart. She takes diabetes as it comes, fixing the highs, fixing the lows, adjusting to this way of life that will continue for her until a cure is finally found. She is the real champ, my hero. So another day, filled with giggles and joy, homework and fun. We read our bedtime stories, says our prayers and off to sleep she goes. Never realizing that this crazy neurotic mom is keeping watch by her bedside, wearing a lot of garlic (just in case that vampire does show up!) and always praying and checking and doing my best to keep her safe throughout the night. 

T1 Dinosaurs

Photo taken at Norris Houk by Paticia Kodet created 1988.

     I have stopped blogging for quite some time. I read all the other posts from these articulate and lovely D parent bloggers and think that I have nothing witty, enlightening, humorous or educational to contribute to this vast world of the DOC (Diabetes Online Community). Then I think that I need to do this for me, for my sanity. To reflect how things have changed or stayed the same throughout the years. Mostly I need to do this for Jasmine, the light of my world to show her how very much I love her and that I will never stop hoping, praying, "walking" and fighting  for a cure.

     In the DOC, I read a lot about "pumpers". It seems like everyone has a pump or other device to help make life a little easier (if there is such a thing) or better in controlling their children's blood glucose levels. Their children seem to eat whatever they want, whenever they want. No schedules, no need to say no, ever. I see T1 children eating things that I am not sure I would want my non-T1 son to eat! Please do not be offended if you know someone with a pump or if your child has a pump. I am not saying that all parents of pumpers are like this and I have many many friends that have their children on a pump or other device. If having a pump or other device works for you or them, then that is fantastic! However, just because this family chooses to still use bottles of insulin and needles, stay on a stricter schedule and tighter carbohydrate count, then that doesn't make me a bad mom either (which I have heard more than once!).

     Since Jasmine was dx in January of 2010, I have had people tell me that a pump is much better for her. Her numbers would be better, her life would be better, my life would be better. I try to explain to them that my daughter does not want a pump or device attached to her little body (she wore a practice pump and hated every minute of it!). Oh my!!! The negative and nasty looks of disgust that I receive from them! They firmly say to me, "You are the mother, you are the one to make the right decisions! This would be better for her and you need to make her get one! She doesn't have a choice!".

      Choice? She doesn't have a choice?! This is about the only choice that she does have in all of this! When T1 came along it took my daughter's choice away to have a normal carefree childhood. It took her choice away to be just a little 5 year old girl having fun in Kindergarten without any worries. It has also taken her choice away in 1st, 2nd and now 3rd grade, to just be able to go to school, play, take a test or attend an assembly without ending up in the office because her blood glucose numbers have dropped to a dangerous low. It has taken her choice away to be able to have a play date at a friend's home. It has taken her choice away to just have a cookie or some pasta or any kind of food without weighing, measuring and calculating each and every carbohydrate involved. It has taken her choice away to attend school when there is a special activity going on because she is at her Endocrinologist's office, receiving her diabetes check up, having blood drawn and lab tests done. It has taken away her right to sleep through the night without being awakened, forced to eat or drink something because her levels are too low. It has taken away her ability to jump in the car to go shopping or anywhere without first making certain that a bag is packed with her meter, her test strips, her Glucagon emergency kit, her insulin, needles, alcohol wipes and quick acting sugar in case her numbers start to drop. It has taken her choice away to prick her tiny little fingers 4+ times a day to test her blood glucose levels. It has taken away her choice to just be a kid without this vast knowledge of knowing the signs of a high or a low blood sugar, information of what diabetes can do to her kidneys, her heart, her vision, her LIFE, unless she is aware and takes care of herself. T1 diabetes took her choice away to be herself, just a bubbly happy 8 year old without it raising it's ugly head and reminding her that she is different and that she must never forget that. Because if she does, her life would be in danger. By the way, having a pump or other device attached to her body would not change any of the choices above.

     So the next time, I hear, "It's not HER choice.", be prepared for this mom's fury. This is her body, her choice, her right, her decision to keep the schedule we live by and to receive the shots she endures. Her choice if she wants a pump or another device attached to her body or not. Her choice that makes her happier living with this lifelong disease. And if one day, she decides that she wants a pump, then that is HER choice too. Be it injections, pumps or other devices, we all want the same outcome, a healthy, happy child.  So please stop making those of us that still use injections feel like dinosaurs, that we are not doing the best we can do or that we don't care about our T1 child as much as parents of pumpers do.....unless you want a T-Rex mama to rumble with!!!

The Endo Appointment

Every 3 months I feel like I am going to the Principal's office. I will be graded on how successful I was at being a pancreas for my daughter, at how successful I was at keeping T1 diabetes under control and most importantly, how successful I was in keeping my daughter healthy.

Instead of the Principal, Jasmine and I will see the Diabetes Specialist Team, which will consist of her Endocrinologist, Dietician, Psychologist, Nurses, Lab Techs and countless other medical staff.

I look for Jasmine's log book for all her numbers. Oh no, there were a few that didn't get written down so I am frantically going through her machine to find the ones we missed. Surely I am the only mom in history to not write down every single number at the time we checked! Looking through her book, I see the good, the bad (the lows) and the highs (the ugly). Every single number that is not within range, I beat myself up and think was there something more I could of done. I am her mom, I must protect her, how could I of let this happen!

I have tried counting every carb, tried to weigh every piece of food she has put into her mouth. But I will admit, at times it is not possible. When the teacher calls from school because a child has brought donuts for their birthday, what do I do? As her pancreas perhaps I should say no no no! As her mom, I want Jasmine to not always feel different and left out (how would you like to see all the other kids eat a donut and you are just sitting there watching!?!). So as a mom and a pancreas, I try to compromise. I ask the teacher how big, what kind, is there sprinkles, is there frosting (I love Jasmine's teacher who has also learned a lot about carbs!). So in the end, Jasmine gets a part of the donut and brings the rest home in a baggie. Later that day when Jas's numbers are over 200, I feel guilty. I try to remember that on some days, even when all she has had is a half of a sandwhich and a small piece of fruit, her numbers can also be high or low, depending if T1 wants to cooperate or wants to be in control.

But alas, these numbers show up in the log and even if I tried to hide them and not write them down, once Jasmine's machine is plugged into our Endo's computer, the truth will be known. Besides, why would I hide anything from a man that is only trying to keep my daughter healthy and strong?

So today, once again is the Endo appointment. As always, I ask for my friends to say a prayer for good lab results and a cure. Someone said that asking for prayer for Jasmine's check up is "stupid". If I am the mom and pancreas I am supposed to be, then everything would be just fine! I only wish it was that easy. I only wish T1 would agree with this thinking too! There are days we do our very best and the numbers show that T1 is doing whatever it wants.

So, we will go today with the hope of a good report card! There are no make up classes and no retaking the tests. Whatever passed or failed is now a part of my daughter's body. However, there is no giving up and no dropping out. This is life, this is forever and this is the most important class and assignment I have ever had. Not always easy being a mom to a child with T1 diabetes but even harder for my child. Together we are going to keep trying, keep fighting the battle and always hoping and praying for an A++++!!!