The hubby

There were nights in the beginning, trying to stay awake so that I could check Jasmine's sugars, that I would look over at my husband sleeping and snoring peacefully. He sleeps, I check Jasmine's BG levels. He sleeps, I worry. He sleeps, I drive myself nuts. Most (99.9%) of Jasmine's diabetes care has fallen upon me. Even when I ask him to get her a simple snack, I have to tell him what and how much. I just think how nice it would be to have a break. To be able to sleep in, sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night, to just sleep and snore peacefully like he does. Sometimes I get back in bed and purposely make enough noise or movements to wake him up. Half awake he would look up at me and ask "What was her sugar?". So I tell him whatever her numbers are and then he would turn over and fall back to sleep. So I would sit there annoyed and think a few not so nice things about him........

Then reality hits. Within a very short time we have lost 2 wonderful men from the DOC. They were husbands and fathers, the light in their family's world. In a blink of an eye, these men were gone. Nothing will ever be the same for their families. I can feel the heartache in these ladies, I can see the pain they are experiencing. They have to go on because they have family that need them, they have children with diabetes, they can't just "run away" because the grief is too much. Life continues and so do they. They don't grumble, they are such amazing inspirations to all of us.

So while I am grumbling about my hubby and his "sleeping while I worry" routine, I step back and look at this man of mine. He is a good man, a kind man, a gentle man. He has provided well for his family so that I could stay home and take care of our daughter. He has made sure that if anything should happen to him, I won't have to worry about having enough money for insulin, food, clothing or shelter. He was worked hard to prepare a future for our daughter when we are no longer here to help.

When Jasmine was in the hospital upon being first diagnosed, he was at her bedside, making her laugh, learning what would keep his daughter alive. He didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours the entire week we were there. He would try to stop his tears while learning how to give injections to his beautiful daughter in order to keep her alive. He goes to every Endo appointment with us. He is here for us.

But somedays I would get frustrated at him because I seemed to be doing everything, having to think about everything so I snapped at him, "Why do you always ask me what to give Jasmine when she needs a snack or her sugar is low? Don't you know by now??!!". (Ok, using lack of sleep as a reason to be snippy here). He looks at me and says, "But you always know what to do, you have it under control. I don't want to mess anything up. You know what's best for her".

Time to look in the mirror!! I had to realize that it is ME causing myself to grumble, causing him to question himself about what  food to give her, how much insulin to give her, how to take care of her. I was the one who had to be in control. I was the one who had to double check the needle every single time he put the insulin in. I was the one who informed him that 17 carbs were not ok when she is ONLY supposed to get 15. I didn't like the way he gave her shots, I didn't like the way he rolled the insulin, I didn't like the way he averaged the carb count in something, I didn't like anything he did in the beginning!! I was uptight and anal, barking like a Drill Sargent at Boot Camp! So he stepped back, letting me take over, take control. Harsh reality check, I created the situation I was grumbling about.

When a child has a serious illness, the divorce rate goes up. Dealing with the stress of any disease can pull a family apart. I have seen several moms in the DOC get divorced, their husbands couldn't deal with the 24/7 life of diabetes and the toll it takes on their lives. It's an ugly situation. But then I think that some of us "wives" have forgotten how to be "wives". Being a pancreas is a full time job when our kids are little. When our children experience a "low" , everything stops until our child is ok. We have a tight schedule for when we eat, when we take shots, when we check her BG levels, when we do much of anything. A lot of the time, my hubby ends up eating long after the rest of us has finished. Even if we have something planned, a diabetes emergency always comes first. Parties, weddings, even funerals, if something goes wrong, it must be fixed immediately. But when diabetes is behaving, we need to remember that we have other children and a hubby that needs us too. We have to find a balance, to make sure everyone feels loved, wanted and needed.

When my hubby would take Jasmine to the store, I was always on his case about her meter. "Did you remember to get her meter?""Do you have a snack that has quick sugar in case her sugar drops?", "Do you have the Glucagon Pen, do you remember how to use it??!!". Nag, nag, nag. Why he didn't yell at me and remind me that he is a grown man, quite capable of taking care of his daughter because he was there and received the SAME training from the Endo Team that I did??!! I would of probably told myself to shut the heck up (and probably not as nicely as that!)!! But being the man that he is, who understands my craziness and stress, he assures me that he has all that is needed.

There were days I would think that he doesn't care as much as I do about Jasmine and her diabetes. Then I remind myself that I have seen this strong man only cry a few times in this lifetime. He cried when his son and daughter was born (happy tears), when Jasmine was diagnosed with diabetes and when he read my blog about "Vampires at Night (DIB Syndrome)". He may not cry as often as I do, but he does care. He hurts for his daughter and would do anything in this world to help find a cure for her. Last but not least, he loves me. He lets me take control of our daughter's disease, not because he can't or he won't, or that he is weak, but because he believes in me. He trusts me with one of his most precious and beloved treasures. He lets me cry when I need, he firmly tells me that everything is going to be just fine when I also need to hear that. When I need him, he is there. Whatever I ask of him, he provides. He is my rock, the light in my darkness. He prays for his daughter and family constantly. So many moms out there dealing with this disease all alone. So many moms out there dealing with life without a partner to help them through it. So many dads (and moms) that ran away when life got tough. But here he still is, loving us and doing his best to keep us together, healthy, happy and having fun along the way. So I have tried to step a little back, not question his decisions while taking care of our daughter and her diabetes, asking for a little more help which he is always happy to give. I will always want control but I know how lucky and blessed I am to have him here for me, for our daughter, our family.

On occasion I may still jump up and down on the bed and wake him up after Jasmine's midnight or 2 AM sugar check but now not because I am mad at him for sleeping... but because I just want to see him open his eyes and ask "What was Jasmine's sugar?". I want to snuggle in his arms and feel the love, the hope, the life this man gives to us. I will always worry about diabetes and my daughter. I will always be a mom first but I am so thankful that I have a man who accepts this and understands this. A husband that loves his daughter and cares as much as I do. A man that loves me, all my crazy insanity and whose arms are always open for me no matter what time of day or night it is.

To all the "hubbys" out there, you are more valuable that you will ever know. We may forget to tell you but just know that you are very much loved and appreciated! And to all us "wives", may we never forget to tell our wonderful men how amazing they are and show them that love and appreciation. This journey is not always an easy one, be thankful that you have someone by your side.  Our husbands, like our children are blessings from God. Cherish them while we can.  I love you Mr. Singh.